Friday, November 20, 2009

Blood Sweat and Tears

i hate writing and i also feel like i don't want to show the bad side of what i do.  but tonight i just don't think it is ok to be quiet.  i just spent over two hours painting on what i thought was a good solid painting when i began.  and i left the studio in anger and fear.  i knew i was in trouble from the beginning when i didn't know what i was doing, i had no direction going back into this painting.  so i set myself up i suppose but i really thought i could push through it and find something.  instead, it got worse and more frustrating.  the more i worked the farther away i got from where i wanted.  i wanted to react to what i already had going in in the work.  instead, i forced a fricken horse in the picture.  not one but two dam horses, which wouldn't be bad if ...again, i knew what i was doing, but i didn't, i was throwing paint around with out direction.  there is a difference.  in the end i had a designed out suck hole job that i wanted to puke on or burn. or both.  instead, i fell to my knees and began to sob.  and the pain of it poured out of me like i have never experienced in painting before.  i had wasted over fifty dollars i am sure in paint.  it sounds funny maybe, but this is what i do, and i don't do it well.  and right now, i feel like quiting, but instead i am writing.  i came upstairs looked at chris and began crying again and went back down and scraped the painting off.  i can't get back what i lost, but at least i got rid of the horrid paint put on tonight.  why do i do this?  blood pours off my knuckles each time i have to stretch a new canvas taking a week to heal.  my solution was to duct tape them, it works.  i cryed hard tonight, and that hurt more than the blood.  why do i do this?  my work is no where near what i want it to be.  i honestly thought things were changing, and maybe they are, maybe i am blind to something and maybe this was meant to happen.  but i am not quiting.  not until i run out of paint or die.  but i was praying last week and God showed me a vision of as much paint as i ever wanted that did not run out.  here is the painting as it ended tonight


  1. "but i am not quiting. not until i run out of paint or die."

    I love your courage Jen. You're an amazing painter and getting to see what you create each day inspires me.

  2. Jen! Amazing. What I hear when I read your writing is growth. Growth isn't fun and in the middle of it there are many tears but, on the otherside, my friend, is a better more refined artist/person. Thank you for sharing your journey.